On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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