Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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