we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
