If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
