This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
