I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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