seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You pole danced in your parka.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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