Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
