i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
