Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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