I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize