do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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