I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
