I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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