I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
