There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I will pee on everything he values.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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