he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
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