I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
