mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
