she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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