That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
