Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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