We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
