I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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