I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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