i jhust puked up my retainher.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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