I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
