This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize