I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
