I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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