Will you blow on my dice?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
