im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
