There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
