Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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