if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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