Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
