Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
