The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
