I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Randomize