i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
