just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
