I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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