I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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