the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
