So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
