if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
