I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize