His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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