How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
