Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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