Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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