her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I have fence marks all over my body
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
