just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
