Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
