cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You brought string cheese to the strip club
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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