when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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