you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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