walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
