Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
