hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
