omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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