i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
worst night to have a conscience
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Randomize
