is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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