YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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