Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
