You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
