I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
